Filed under: Self Defense | Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, rape, Self Defense
I’ve never heard of a guy walking up to a woman, introducing himself, asking her out on a date, and as an aside, mentioning that in the next few months he plans on beating her.
It doesn’t happen that way, does it?
Four out of five rape and sexual assaults are by someone known to the victim.
(source: US Department of Justice)
It’s not the stranger jumping out from behind the bushes in the dead of night that we have to be cautious of. It is the person that we know.
I taught a self defense class for 45 women last night. Domestic Violence and Abuse is one of the components of my course. It is very likely that some of the women in that class are in an abusive relationship, or know someone who is.
So how does it get from the “Hi, how are you?” stage to the pushing and shoving stage? From
“let’s go have a drink” to “how can you be so stupid?”
Small subtle steps. With red flags every step of the way. Red flags that many of us don’t recognize.
Seven out of ten victims of assault knew their assailant.
(For discussion purposes, and since I usually teach self defense classes to women, I use the male pronoun for the assailant, but the fact is abusers can be male or female.)
For background, read my blog “The Broken Woman”
http://michelleraylrma.wordpress.com/2008/12/18/the-broken-woman/
The thing is, even as an uninformed and naïve young adult, I knew it was wrong for someone to hit me. That was a “black and white don’t even have to think about it” truth in my mind. But the insidious and manipulative steps that take place in a relationship were not black and white. They were so subtle I didn’t even recognize what was going on.
I’m older and wiser now.
What I know now is that abuse is not just physical violence. Many men and women are in emotionally abusive relationships that can be incredibly damaging. The person you love can manipulate your emotions and thought process to such an extent that you are essentially paralyzed. You may become adept at keeping the up the façade for your co workers and friends, but inside you are coming apart.
The abuser may wear a suit or a construction hat. They are male as well female and the problem is rampant in all social and economic circles. Someone sitting beside you in church or at work may be in an abusive relationship. Maybe you are?
They may never physically hit or push you, but the damage is severe. You start to doubt your own thoughts and emotions; you doubt your own sanity.
The children’s rhyme “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is NOT TRUE. Words can wound and damage, destroy relationships, self esteem and self confidence.
The following information, “Personality Traits of Rapists and Abusers” started my research into the world of Domestic Violence. My thanks to my friend Marc “Animal” MacYoung for much of the information I use in my classes, including the “Personality Traits” document that is handed out to every attendee.
http://michelleraylrma.wordpress.com/2010/03/17/personality-traits-of-rapists-abusers-and-criminals/
If you are in an abusive relationship, get help. Talk to a trusted friend, your pastor, a family member. If you are in Arkansas, contact the Arkansas Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
We start our Anger Management Curriculum next week.
Filed under: Self Defense | Tags: abuse, Domestic Violence, personality traits, rape
This information comes from my friend Marc “Animal” MacYoung. A talented and prolific author, his work has changed the way I look at self defense. This document is handed out to everyone that attends one of my self defense seminars.
Personality Traits of Rapists, Abusers, and Criminals
(from www.nononsenseselfdefense.com)
While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a potential rapist or abuser. This short list should acquaint you with the basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a higher probability than others. You not only find these traits among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals. Philosophically there is little difference between such, they are all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and choice of victims.
Danger signs
1) Insensitivity for others/emphasis on self - Does this person put his wants above the needs, feelings or well being of others? Is getting his way more important to him than other people’s welfare? Often this can go beyond mere selfishness and border nearly on an “assumed divine right.” Often these people will justify a particularly vicious action with a flip comment like, “Hey, that’s how the game is played.” Such a person has no understanding that he must co-exist with others. Because he simply exists he thinks the world “owes” him whatever he wants. A common tactic of such a person it to make you feel bad for not doing what he wants.
2) Belittling behavior or attitudes towards others - Does this person habitually make nasty, belittling or degrading comments about others – especially under the guise of joking? Does this person think he is better than others? Does he look down on others? A nouveau riche aristocrat? Is he a racist? A person who thinks that race or social position makes him superior can also assume gender does too. When you think you are superior, an assumed right to ‘take’ what you want often follows.
3) Negating behavior or comments - Closely related to 1 and 2. Does he try to tell you what you are feeling or thinking? Or worse, tell you what you are not? Comments like “you don’t really mean that” are serious indicators of someone trying to negate you. A person who negates others is trying to take away the other person’s thoughts, feelings and needs and attempting to project his wants onto that person. The most obvious example of this is “Well even though she said ‘no’, she really meant ‘yes’”.
4) Hostile and/or threatening language - What words does a person use? Choice of words conveys subconscious assumptions about a particular topic. For example a man who generically refers to women as “bitches” does not have good assumptions about females (or much respect). It is all too easy to dismiss this behavior as just “blowing off steam.” But if it is a constant behavior, it goes far beyond that. Someone who habitually uses violent or threatening language should be carefully watched for possible escalation. It’s on his mind already. It’s an uncomfortably short step from ‘thinking about’ to ‘doing’.
5) Bullying – This behavior is especially dangerous. Does this person use overt or subtle threats to get his way? A bully uses the threat of violence more than actual violence. Most often bullies are not willing to risk conflict with someone who can hurt them (an alpha male), and will instead chose to intimidate someone he considers weaker and safer. Someone who is bullying over other matters can easily turn to bullying you regarding sex.
6) Excessive anger - How easy does this person anger? Is he a “Short Fuse”? Does he boil over at the slightest problem? This is an indication of chronic anger. A person who explodes over a minor issue is like a full pot boiling over on the stove. It’s not that the issue is all that important, but that he has so much anger already; any more causes him to explode. Often people with chronic anger look for targets to vent their anger at. This could manifest as physical fights, abuse, or rape.
7) Brooding/ revenge – Does this person hang onto his anger long after the situation is over? Will he still be stewing over something while everyone else has moved onto other things? Will he become anti-social and glare at the source of his anger from across the room? Will he insist on taking revenge for real or imagined slights? Both indicate a petty and obsessive personality. A brooder fixates on something and then works himself into frenzy over it. A person who seeks revenge “has to win” and is willing to take it to extremes. Refusing such a person’s sexual advances can turn this tendency towards you.
8 ) Obsession – This is a close cousin to number seven. It is a major factor with acquaintance rapes. This is the person who won’t leave you alone. He insists on ‘hitting on you’ long after you have told him no. He is always trying to establish forced intimacy (see bonding processes below). Such obsessions easily turn into anger when his advances are rejected. One day he shows up in a fringe area, drunk and attacks.
9) Extreme mood swings - Beware someone who can go from wildly happy to deeply wound at a moment’s notice. This sort of personality can feel justified to commit an unlimited amount of violence and damage, because you “hurt his feelings.” This is a common pattern among those with chronic anger about life.
10) Physical tantrums – How does this person get angry? Especially when denied “getting his way”. Beware of a person who regularly physically assaults his environment i.e. hitting walls, kicking things etc. It is only a short step from striking a car to attacking you.
11) Jock or gorilla mentality - This mentality promotes both acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. It is especially common among participants of contact sports. What is most insidious about this mentality is the “jock” receives not only positive reinforcement, but out-and-out applause for being aggressive and violent. This can easily lead to a failure to differentiate between the playing field and real life. Mike Tyson’s comment is a prime example: “Nobody ever objected before.”
12) A mean drunk – Nearly all rape and abuse cases involve alcohol. Watch what surfaces when someone is intoxicated. It shows what is always lurking underneath. Do not put yourself into a situation where you would deal with such a person while he is intoxicated. Most importantly, don’t allow your facilities to be diminished by alcohol or drugs in this person’s presence.
13) Alcohol or drug abuse – To begin with drug and alcohol addiction can be traced back to selfishness and a refusal to change one’s world view. Alcohol and drugs are not the cause of bad behavior; rather they are used as an excuse! Often the attacker intentionally became intoxicated to ignore the social restrictions and inhibitions regarding violence.
(Source: Marc MacYoung www.nononsenseselfdefense.com)
A post on Facebook this morning (thanks Leslie for reminding me to write this one)
This morning on the way to work I watched multiple cars go around a stopped school bus, several people who had small kids riding in the front seat of vehicle and another with a load of kids in the back seat — none of whom were in a car seat, booster or otherwise wearing seat belts. Basic safety people! These kids count on you to be responsible.
Our kids do count on us to be responsible.
Sunday evening as we were driving home from dinner on Chenal Parkway, we had a close call. A car was barreling down the lane in front of us on the wrong side of the median. They were in our lane and headed right towards us. Steve and I both said Whoa! at the same time. He reacted very quickly, put on the brakes and edged into the lane beside us. There was a car in the lane, but the driver noticed what was going on and made room for us.
The driver of the other car evidently noticed that there was something wrong and went up on the median, then made his/her way into traffic, going in the right direction this time.
Someone that cares a lot sent this to me with the message “Please watch this. Please.” He asked me repeatedly throughout the day if I had read it. Eventually he wore me down and I did.
http://ut.zerofatalities.com/texting.php
I may not be able to ever quantify this statement, but he may have saved my life. So now I’m going to ask you. Watch the video. Please. Take the time and watch all of it.
And then think seriously about whether or not you need to text or check your email while driving.
Confession time here…I’ve been known to text and check my email while driving. I’ve even done it while driving with Keely in the car. Keely, smart girl that she is (smarter than her mother, obviously) has told me “Mom, you are not supposed to text on your phone while you are driving”. OK, so I have now been schooled by a seven year old on safety.
We now have laws banning texting while driving.
We need to pay attention to them.
If Steve had been texting while driving Sunday night he would not have had time to react as he did. It’s as simple as that.
80% of crashes and 65% of near crashes involve some form of driver inattention within 3 seconds.
(http://www.textfreedriving.org)
Did you know that if you are involved in a crash, insurance companies will check your cell phone records?
We strap our children into their car seats. We hold their hand when crossing the street. And we need to put our phone down while we are driving.
So if you send me a text and don’t get a response, don’t get offended. I’ll check it and respond when I can do so safely. Not while I’m driving a car. I hope you will do the same. I would much rather wait for a response from you, then to never talk to you again.
Filed under: Self Defense | Tags: anger, Domestic Violence, emotional abuse, Self Defense
A very wise person taught me something many years ago.
It takes two people to have an argument.
Well duh! That seems simple enough, doesn’t it?
That was my first introduction to anger management over 30 years ago and I’ve used the technique a lot.
When emotions become too intense for coherent thought…walk away. It sounds logical and simple. Especially for adults. Because we ARE grownups aren’t we? We have self control and self discipline. We can walk away when negativity and hurtful words start flying. We can think before we speak, measure our words carefully. Think about the impact of our words before they reach the ears of the person we are in conflict with.
But it doesn’t always work that way, does it?
Walking away and taking the time to digest what is happening, looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective is a valuable tool. But what if you can’t walk away? Have you ever tried to walk away from a fight, only to be pursued with demands to continue the argument? Emotions escalate and words and actions become become vicious and hurtful.
Both parties must learn the tools to navigate anger.
I’ve learned that as we develop relationships, our behavior becomes a dance. Each partner learns their moves; eventually the patterns become very predictable. Those patterns can be positive and constructive or negative and hurtful. The relationship can become toxic and may be irreparable.
I believe that there is much more to the definition of self defense than learning physical skills to ward off an unknown attacker. Anger Management is self defense. Pure and simple. Learning how to control our anger can help prevent heart attack and strokes. Anger is the root of domestic violence and the abuse of children. Bullies are male and female; children and adults, and they use anger to get their way.
Anger is something we all have to face. Anger can irretrievably damage relationships at home, at school and in the workplace. I’ve received certification as an Anger Management Educator because I believe that martial arts instructors must teach anger management alongside the physical techniques of their art, to arm their students with the mental, emotional, and physical skills they need to safely navigate the world as it is today.
As we teach the tools to deal with anger this testing cycle, I’ll be posting blogs to keep you up to date on our progress.
Tom Callos sent an email today, with a link to a video by Ira Glass. I’m going to include the link, but I know most who read this won’t view the video. Actually, that was kind of the point of Tom’s email, but that is a whole other story…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hidvElQ0xE
Ira says a lot of important things about the creative process of making videos. What struck me though, are the parallels between making a video and life. About making a video and doing just about anything that is important. One of the points Ira made is that many people stop making videos because their product doesn’t live up to their “taste”.
Maybe, because I was taking a break from writing new copy for the website, this struck a chord. Or maybe, it was because I’ve been trying to outline a new curriculum. Or, because I’ve been struggling with making weekly journal entries. Or because I….. (Insert just about anything I do here)
I’ve always been an “outside the box” kind of person. Artistic to a degree, but not particularly talented. I like to read, and enjoy expressing myself through writing. Sometimes the ideas and creativity flow, sometimes I feel like I’m hitting my head against a wall.
I’m reminded of one of those toys that just keeps pushing forward against a wall until the batteries run down. If you turn it away from the obstacle, it will zoom off. Until it hits the next obstacle. Then it stays stationary with wheels spinning, batteries draining until empty.
I’ve got some deadlines I need to meet. My wheels have been spinning a lot lately, my batteries are getting depleted.
I have to acknowledge that my efforts are not going to always match my vision. That is ok. But if I don’t continue the effort, I’m never going to get better.
To be honest, it’s really easier to quit. I could just be content to settle. To be content with the status quo. The copy for the website is good enough. My last journal entry was good enough. The curriculum we have is good enough.
The work I am doing for the Ultimate Black Belt Test is good enough. My training and physical conditioning are good enough. My relationships are good enough.
Right now, my finished product doesn’t look anything like my vision.
Of course, it’s easier to just quit.
I can listen to the little guy that lives on my shoulder (he’s invisible you know but I think you probably have one too) that tells I’m too busy or too tired or not smart enough or not strong enough or not talented enough or just not good enough to do what I’ve set out to do.
Or, I can dig deep. I can look back at what I have done, see the good in it, and use that as a foundation for the next step. I can listen to the gal that lives on the other shoulder (yep, she’s invisible too) that tells me that I can do it. She reminds me that I am a black belt, a teacher, a leader, a mom, a friend, a citizen of this planet and I have ability to do whatever I set my mind to. Her voice is much softer than the guy that lives on my other shoulder and sometimes I have to really strain to hear her.
I also have to recharge my batteries. I do that when I sit on my deck and meditate while listening to the birds sing. I do that when I read an email from a friend that tells me I have helped him or her during some difficult times. Tom Callos recharges my batteries with his emails and videos, as do my UBBT teammates with their journals and their work. I need to spend more time recharging.
Recharge. Think. Visualize. Get to work.
This video of my life. It is a work in progress and I’ve got the camera running every moment that I’m awake. It can have real depth and meaning, perhaps even move and inspire, or it can be a lot of blank screen and white noise.
My choice.
Filed under: Self Defense | Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Self Defense
When she walked into the room I could tell. She looked broken. The smile on her face didn’t reach her eyes. Her shoulders were slumped, she didn’t socialize with the other women that were loading their plates with food.
We were in a business conference room. I’d been hired to conduct a self defense seminar. The other women laughed and talked as they took a seat. “Denise” sat at the end of a table, two spaces between her and the next woman.
I started the class, I only had an hour and a lot of material to cover. As I talked about the personality traits of a rapist, or an abuser, I saw her flinch. She looked like she was trying to make herself invisible. She kept her head down. Made a lot of notes.
When the seminar was over and the other women were leaving the room, she approached me. The words tumbled out. “My ex-fiance is stalking me. He fits so many of the personality traits you talked about. I’m thinking about moving. I’ve already changed my phone number. He has his friends watching me. I’m trying to ease out of the relationship but I’m scared. He only hit me once on the arm. He was great for over a year and then he changed. No one here knows what is going on.”
So many thoughts raced through my brain.
He only hit you once? You are trying to ease out of the relationship? He is stalking you? What can I say to you?
A few weeks earlier one of the women in management for the same corporation asked me for a copy of the “personality traits”. She told me she thought she might be in an abusive relationship. He hadn’t hit her yet but she was seeing some disturbing patterns. She asked that I talk about Domestic Violence in the next session.
I did. Four women approached me afterwards and asked for a copy of “The Traits” as I was now starting to call the personality traits of a rapist or an abuser. Well dressed, seemingly strong and confident women. Wow. I had no idea.
A week later, back at the same corporation. I’m reading “The Traits”. I got to the one where I’m describing the guy that has an explosive temper. He hits things like walls or doors. The warning is that it is a short step between hitting a wall and hitting a person.
I stopped reading. Took a couple of deep breaths as the realization hit me. And I told the ladies that were in the room.
“I just realized that I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. One weekend when I told him I was going on a business trip, he got so mad he put his fist through the apartment wall. The next weekend when I told him I had another trip he hit me.
That was it. He had to hold me down for over an hour. I was so angry I was going to try to kill him. I’ve never known such rage.When he let go of me, and I had calmed down, I told him to leave. I remember feeling so dead inside. But also a very focused cold certainty. Hitting me was wrong. And the love that I had for him had gone. Just like that. A line was crossed. Thirty minutes later he was out the door on the way to his mothers house. He never came back to the apartment. “
I could have been The Broken Women.
